i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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