saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize