like what am i supposed to say "im thinking of how bad that sex was"?
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
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