Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I'm in the upstairs bathroom. I went to the bathroom after class and realized this is not a shit I want to have publicly. I ran home. We can go to lunch, just give me a min
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