i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Guys, I'm sleeping in the BOYNTON LAUNDRY ROOM. if you can, come let me out in the morning as I have no keys. I might be in the study room possibly. DON'T FORGET. I will be trapped
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
