if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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