Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
What the hell did you do last night?
I embarrassed myself, my family, name, and possibly my country.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Well, I was giving him a handy and I sighed in boredom. He heard. I had to fake moaning sounds after he asked if I sighed.
Randomize
