Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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