i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
I was on all fours trying to empty the bowl we smoked into the sewer when your neighbor came out, but besides that it went smoothly
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
Randomize
