why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
