i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
ever seen your mom drunk enough to lick your face? i have
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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