the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
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