im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
