Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
