Apparently you make a good broom.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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