If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Randomize
