dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
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