The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
