god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
