Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
Randomize
