I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Randomize
