I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
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