i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
I was just too high to be in rapids man. I just screamed for the entire time I was jostling about.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
