Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
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