you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
