my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.
I will make you one.
Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
Randomize
