I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she made my bed before she left. i think i'm gonna keep banging her to get the housework done
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
attractive or not, he has more than one book on serial killers. i'm gonna get out of here while i can
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
Hey my results were negative. Your chlamydia train stops here. Happy hunting!
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
