I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
Honestly I volunteered because the email made it sound like it was a once in a lifetime opportunity to be a sexual spy kid.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Randomize
