if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
No it was good. I serenaded the holding cell occupants with a fabulous rendition of Making Love out of Nothing at all. It was fucking amazing!
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
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