I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
