He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
