I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Well, I made it thru a doorway, so I think things are going good.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
My life hurts
I woke up 30 minutes away from the bar, my car was at a train station, and when I got home all I got was the speechless head shake
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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