My hand turned me down
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
