Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
Down for casual relationships, more fun than catholic missionary, bring condoms and don't get attached.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
