I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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