there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Randomize