Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
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