I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
