Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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