in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
is that a sigh of girlish delight, or "sigh...I'm having a herpes outbreak'
Can't it be both?
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
