I think I won the penis lottery.
I'm going to rape someone's good day.
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
Randomize
