remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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