i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Randomize
