I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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