i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
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