I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
Randomize
