He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Randomize
