I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
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