FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
Randomize
