Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
