my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Damn victory sex feels great
Dude, someone puked in my washing machine last night, I tried turning it on to clean it...not a good idea
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