Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
Randomize
