if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
It blows my mind that pandora doesn't have an : I want to lay in bed in the dark and be sad and cold and eat frozen mangos and chipotle all day station
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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