If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
He took a picture with a naked dude. I think he just walked out of that deep ginger closet.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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