i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
is it normal that we went to that class once and both got 100's on the final? ohhhh, arizona state.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
