i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
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