I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
the coup got in the way of sex but inauguration day came thru we did it joe
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
