jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
